WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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