I think im going to throw up on grandma
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
