Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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