We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
