yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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