I'm gonna have a badass scar
After last night, I could never be a politician.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
