I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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