lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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