I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
