I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
