The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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