Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
