I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Someone shit on the floor
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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