At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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