I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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