Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
