The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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