***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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