i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
