Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
