Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
