I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
