I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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