I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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