I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
