he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
