He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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