I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
