you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
