My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
