i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
