we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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