How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
