I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
