community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
