Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
