Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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