a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
