well I can't set my house on fire every night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Found your dick twin last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
