the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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