2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I sprained my soul last night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
