I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
