dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
