I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
