i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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