One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
