her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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