I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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