That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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