Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
