I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
