Soap is not a condiment
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
cat food counts as protein by the way
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
