On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
