seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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