Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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