That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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