That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
